It’s time. As with any therapeutic activity, there’s always a right time for it to be done. Now is that time. *sigh*

How in the world do you say goodbye to your younger sister?

It’s just not right.

I’ve needed to write something and get my feelings on paper since I went to Utah for Kaylynn’s funeral in April. I’ve actually thought about what I needed to say every day, but just didn’t have the emotional energy to do it.

Kaylynn and I were alike in WAY too many ways. We fought because of that, a lot. She and I were the musical ones in the family. I remember becoming extremely jealous when she said that she wanted to take piano lessons and play the drums like me. Andrea and I were less than 2 years apart in age, so we were always the ones playing together. We complained that our little sister was always following us around or in the way.

I often wonder if this is one of the reasons that her self-esteem was so low most of her life. And maybe even one reason that she eventually turned to alcohol and drugs to get rid of her pain. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty about that.

Kaylynn was very talented and smart. And even though she made a lot of mistakes, I know that she tried her best. Even up until the end, when it was unfortunately too late, she was trying to make things right and especially do the right thing for her kids. The problem was that most of us didn’t see that. Since I live on the other side of the country, I definitely didn’t see anything like that. All I heard about were the problems, so that’s how I judged her.

How awful is that? Who am I to judge? I’ve made plenty of mistakes – some of the same mistakes!

At Kaylynn’s funeral, both my Mom, step-sister Amy, and my other sister Andrea spoke. I learned a lot. Not just about Kaylynn, but also about myself. I know I won’t be able to do justice to what they said unless I quote them directly. So I will copy parts of their talks here.

From my Mom…

When we were planning this program I had no intention of speaking today. In the first place no mother should have to consider speaking at her child’s funeral, but I have now joined some my friends who have experienced this too. As I was listening to Elder Holland’s talk the other day from this past April Conference I knew I needed to say a few words. If I read the thoughts that I have I might be able to be somewhat coherent.

Elder Holland’s talk was about ways to rise above any problems we have.
One of his points was “Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your Bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Famly Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you.”

Kaylynn wanted so much to be free of the chains of her addiction to alcohol. Many times she tried most of the things mentioned in the talk. There were many priesthood blessings over the years, the most recent one about 6 weeks ago. Many starts and stops. Recently I attended an Addiction Recovery meeting with her which ignited a hope in me that maybe this time she could move ahead in beating this. But it was not to be. I prayed daily for her welfare that she would have the strength to move ahead on the road to recovery. Several years ago my prayers changed from “what can I do to help” to please send those people around her and her family to help them. And the Lord did that, in the form of all of you, her friends, neighbors and Church leaders. You were the angels I prayed for. For the 7 years she and Railee and Tyler have lived on 100 West, I know that as her friends and neighbors you have helped, sustained and cared for this family. I am so grateful for that. There comes a time when it seems a mother’s words are falling on deaf ears, probably because the message is always the same – “I love you. I want the best for you. In order to get the best, you need to do this and on and on. Share your burden with the Lord”. She knew that and I hope that knowledge sustained her.

There were so many “angels” helping this family and I certainly don’t know all of you by name, but just know I am eternally grateful and I know you will all be blessed by your service and friendship to this family. But most recently, I am grateful for her special friend, Mike, for loving and caring for Kaylynn and Railee and Tyler. I know that she cared deeply for you and couldn’t wait for your days off to be together. I know you were trying your hardest to help her recover too.

The choices we make in life all have consequences and results. When temptations present themselves it is first in very small things. We make one little choice and tell ourselves that “just this once won’t matter” “I’ll be OK, nothing will happen”, “this won’t affect anyone but me” and one strand of flaxen cord at a time that Satan weaves around us eventually becomes a very large cable that is next to impossible to break. This is what happened to Kaylynn. By the time she really wanted to recover, all these small little strings were welded together into a heavy chain. We all have the list of “if onlys”. If only I had paid more attention, If only I had spent more time with her, if only—-into infinity. But all we can do now is pray for the Spirit to abide with us to move forward with faith. There is a saying “If He brings you to it, He will help you thru it.” Well, He has brought us to it , now we must rely on Him to bring us thru it.

I know that Kaylynn is now in a glorious place, finding her way around, visiting with family and friends who have gone before her. I also know that just as it was confirmed to us at Railee’s baptism 5 years ago that their father, Kevin, is caring about and looking out for his children; now they have another angel to look after them from above. Of course, we would all prefer that they be here to do it, but that was not to be. We knew about the hard things in our lives before we came to earth and accepted whatever would happen because the most important thing to us in the Spirit World was to obtain a body. We wanted to move forward to complete the Lord’s eternal plan as we encounter the very hard things that come to us. When I encounter what I never would want, I wonder sometimes if I didn’t read the fine print on the contract I signed before coming to earth and would have changed my mind. But then, probably not.

I am not sure where animals, especially reptiles, go when they die, but Kaylynn would probably be happy to have a few around. From a very young age she was a “reptile” person and anyone who knows her knows they are still around. One of the pictures I have is of her and Mark holding the neighbor’s 4’ boa constrictor when she was about 10. Then there was Myrtle, the turtle! A box turtle that was around for a couple of years, later I remember about a dozen water turtles that lived in a kid’s swimming pool on our large back porch. I often asked her why reptiles and she would say, they don’t shed, have no fur to be allergic to and don’t have to clean up the house after them. Most recently there was the very large iguana whose cage took up a lot of the kitchen. Add to that the ball pythons and currently a couple of lizards. I remember a couple of years ago that Trixie, one of the snakes, got out of her cage by pushing the lid open when there wasn’t a weight on it. They looked everywhere for days but couldn’t find her. It is not like she would make any noise so she could be found. About 2 months later, Railee was doing the laundry and the snake came out from behind the dryer! Kaylynn told me that Railee was so excited that she said “mom, we found Trixie”. Well, that would have scared me spitless, and I would have run the other way. How many 10 year old girls do you know that would be excited that a 2’ long snake came across the floor?

Again, I know that Kaylynn is in a better place now, although separated from us for a time and we will miss her terribly all the time thinking that this shouldn’t be; but with the Lord’s constant care we will be comforted until we all meet again according to the Lord’s eternal plan.

————————————–

From my Sister, Andrea…

Kaylynn liked to send email.  That’s how she showed love.  She loved beauty in the world around us, and would send email full of gorgeous pictures of different places on the earth.

She loved humor and often sent jokes that she found amusing.

She loved poems and words that touched her soul…and would pass on notes to remind us that she loved us.

I’m not an email forwarder and I almost never reply to forwards but about a week ago I felt like I needed to acknowledge on that she had sent.

This was Kaylynn’s last email to me.

It reads:

“What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.

Let old friends know you haven’t forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.

In times of trouble, In times of need, If you are feeling SAD, You can count on me.

I will give you a wink, Until you smile, give you a hug, And stand by your side. I’ll be there for you till the end, I’ll always and forever, be your friend!

Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to me.”

I’m so glad that I sent that one back.

My talk today is on Humility and Gratitude; I’ve had a bit of both in the last week.

Humbled, that’s what I’ve been.

I was rocked to the core and humbled when the phone rang…. it’s the call that I knew would come but never wanted to answer, the one that says my little sister has died.

I am frustrated but humbled by the realization that there is no big-sister magic or wisdom to be had and I can’t fix it this time.

I am humbled and must admit that this event is beyond my power to deal with alone, but there is one who has the power and can heal it all and I MUST turn to Him to get through.

I think the most humbling moment  in my life this past week came in the form of a Facebook  message from someone that I didn’t know….but at the same time, one who knew Kaylynn better than I did, and taught me a very powerful humbling lesson about life and love.

I love my little sister but for as long as I can remember, I have always referred to her and judged her by what she did, by her actions;  Growing up, she was often “the annoying little sister”, or “the wild one”, or the “wayward one”,  the alcoholic, the black sheep…  Never was she referred to by who she really was,  a daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father who was doing the best she could.

Before this Face Book message came, I must admit that I held animosity for what this person, represented. I didn’t know them, but I blamed them for what was happening to my sister.  I watched my sister over the years get sicker and sicker and I needed someone to blame.  They were a convenient target.  What I didn’t know was how much they loved and cared for my sister when I was too proud to do so. They showed unconditional love, Christ like love, and I didn’t.

With permission, I’d like to share a part of that message with you.  It reads:

“I know it is sad, but I truly believe she is far more comforted now, that she is where she can truly work towards the person she wanted to be. She really tried so hard. We saw her every day, and saw her struggle every day. She truly had a great heart and spirit and I know that Heavenly Father never forgot her and will now comfort her.

Please know that although she was at the bar every day, the girls really did watch out for her. They made sure she ate lunch every day she was there, they checked on those kids , they made sure she was safe at home, and they checked on her when they did not see her. Ironic as the situation was with her drinking, they really did what they could to help her. None of us could stop her from drinking, but they could try to make her safe, and take care of her.

We all agreed to come to this earth knowing the challenges we would face. Kaylynn made a difference in this world, and she will make a difference in the next. You will see her again, the way she was meant to be.”

To them (Doreen), I’d just like to say, Thank you, and Please forgive me for judging you.

I am so grateful for those comforting words from those who truly know what the meaning of Christ Like love is.

Grateful, that’s what I am.

I am grateful that Kaylynn had wonderful loving friends to care for her. And for the profound lesson they taught me this week.

I am grateful for the huge outpouring of love and support and especially prayers from people who know me and my family, and also those who don’t but still reached out.

I am grateful that we are able to provide a home for her children.  Railee and Tyler, we are not perfect but we are here for you.

I am grateful that I know that I will see my sister again someday.

I am grateful for the infinite love of my Savior and His atonement that will allow Kaylynn to progress and be the person she wants to be.

I am grateful for the opportunity to speak today, and to share my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ.  I know that He lives and He is infinitely patient with, and loves each one of us.  Kaylynn is now in his Loving arms.  I pray that we all might live our lives and love one another as he would have us do…even as he did.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

———————–

Kaylynn sent that same email to me. I deleted it without opening it.

In August 2007, Kaylynn and her kids, Railee and Tyler flew out to Rhode Island to visit for a week or so. I don’t think that they had ever traveled that far. We enjoyed so much having them here with us – and I know that they talked about it all the time. While Kaylynn was here, I could see it was the beginning of the end. She was practically skin and bones, and couldn’t survive the day without something to drink or her smokes. It was so hard to see.

Railee and Tyler now live with Andrea. Her family instantly became a family of TEN! We had always talked about taking the kids if/when something happened to Kaylynn. And we still would have, but we know that they are MUCH better off staying in Utah. Not only are they closer to more family, Andrea has been through “teen-thing” and is much more experienced than I am! We love those kids so much, and know they’ll be visiting us often!

I love my sister Kaylynn, and miss her every day. She lived a short 36 years on this earth and her life was hard. But as my sister reminded me, she chose what she would be faced with and is now in a much better place to be able to watch over her kids.

I’m also sorry that I judged her and others who associated with her. It’s amazing the things you learn after people are gone and it’s too late to thank them for teaching you.

There’s more that I could say, but I’ll stop. I love you Kaylynn. I miss you. Please forgive me…